How to forgive someone who hurt you
Forgiveness works best as a process, not a decision. Deciding to forgive from the head often leaves the feeling underneath untouched. Real forgiveness tends to follow when what you've been holding is finally seen, acknowledged, expressed and witnessed. It doesn't need the other person to deserve it, know about it, or be there.
Why "just let it go" doesn't work
Most of us try to forgive as a decision. We decide to let it go, and underneath the decision, nothing has moved. The charge is still there. It just goes quiet for a while, and then something small brings it back.
That isn't a failure of willpower. Forgiveness that comes from the head, sitting on top of everything unfelt underneath it, doesn't last. Parts of you may still be protecting you from the pain, and they won't stand down because you told them to. I write more about this way of understanding the mind in what is IFS-informed breathwork.
What forgiveness is not
- It isn't letting them off the hook. It's about taking yourself off their hook. None of it reduces anyone's responsibility for what they did.
- It isn't excusing the harm. You can forgive and still say what happened was wrong.
- It doesn't need them. Real forgiveness doesn't require the other person to deserve it, know about it, or be present for it.
Once you're clear on that, forgiveness stops being a demand and becomes something you can approach at your own pace.
Identify
See the pattern
Acknowledge
What it cost you
Express
Let it move
Be witnessed
Not alone
Forgive
A natural release
Release
Space opens
The six steps, in order
This is the process I walk people through when there's someone they still haven't forgiven. The steps come in order, and none of them can be skipped.
- Identify. Trace a current reaction or pattern back to where you were hurt. It isn't random. It's evidence of where the wound is.
- Acknowledge. Be honest about what actually happened and what it cost you, not what should have happened.
- Express. What has been held inside needs to move outside. Breath, voice and body are the main ways this happens.
- Be witnessed. The wound was created in relationship, and it heals in relationship. A witness holds what you express without flinching or redirecting.
- Forgive. After expression and witnessing, forgiveness isn't a decision. It's a natural release.
- Release. The settling that follows. Something held for years is no longer being held, and the space it leaves becomes available for something else.
You can have all six steps sent to you in the free Six Steps to Forgiveness guide. Read it slowly, and don't rush to step five.
- 1The person who harmed you
- 2Those who didn't witness you
- 3Yourself
- 4God, or existence
- 5The origin of the chain
Who are you actually forgiving? The five layers
Forgiveness usually gets pictured as one thing: forgiving the person who hurt you. That's real, and it's necessary, but it's the first layer, not the last. My work moves through five:
- The person who harmed you. The immediate source of the pain.
- Those who didn't witness you. The people who should have protected you, seen it, or stood up for you, and didn't.
- Yourself. For the ways you adapted, stayed quiet, or passed the pain on.
- God, or existence. For the reality of a world where this kind of pain is allowed to happen.
- The origin of the chain. Every pattern of pain goes back further than one person or one lifetime.
You don't have to start at the top, and you don't have to reach the last layer to begin. Many people find the second and third layers are the ones holding everything in place. You can read more about the whole path on the Break the Chain page, or in breathwork for generational trauma.
When the wound is that nobody saw it
The central injury often isn't only what happened to you. It's that what happened wasn't seen. A person can carry real pain and still come through whole, if that pain is witnessed, named and held by someone else. What does the deeper damage is pain that had to be carried alone: minimised, dismissed, ignored, even by people who loved you.
If that sounds like you, it's worth knowing that the absence of a witness is its own wound. It's also why the fourth step matters so much, and why this part isn't really meant to happen alone.
The absence of a witness is its own wound.
Three things to try this week
You don't have to do anything with this yet. A few small things worth noticing:
- Notice before you name. If a person or moment comes to mind, let it. If nothing comes, that's fine too. Just notice the feeling.
- Notice where it shows up. Catch one moment when you brace, snap or go quiet, and ask what it might be connected to.
- Don't rush clarity. This isn't about forcing a resolution. It's about seeing a little more clearly, at whatever pace that happens.
A note on support
I'm an IFS-informed coach and breathwork facilitator, not a licensed clinician. This guide isn't a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you're dealing with abuse, or you feel unsafe now, please reach out to a qualified professional or your local emergency services.
Questions people ask
Is forgiving someone the same as excusing what they did?
No. Forgiveness isn't about letting someone off the hook. It's about taking yourself off their hook. It doesn't reduce anyone's responsibility for the harm they caused.
Can I forgive someone without speaking to them?
Yes. This kind of forgiveness doesn't require the other person to deserve it, know about it, or be present for it.
What if they never apologise?
The process doesn't depend on an apology. It depends on what happened being seen, acknowledged and expressed, and on you being witnessed by someone else.
How long does it take to forgive someone?
There's no fixed timeline. Work through the steps slowly and in order, and don't rush to the step of forgiving itself. It tends to arrive on its own once what has been held has moved.
Is this therapy?
No. I'm an IFS-informed coach and breathwork facilitator, not a licensed clinician, and this isn't a substitute for therapy or medical care.
You don't have to put it down alone
Naming it is one thing. Actually putting it down is another. If you'd like a witness, start with a free 30-minute conversation. No pitch, no pressure.